Firstly, I want to acknowledge how heavy this kind of dynamic can feel. Holding the emotional tone of a partnership - quietly carrying the responsibility for how things feel… it’s a lot. But it often goes unnoticed and unmeasured.

If you’re always the one checking in, bringing awareness, keeping things emotionally steady, of course it’s kinda exhausting. And often, resentment can be a consequence of that imbalance.

Let’s take a few steps back and explore this :

1. What are you really holding, and how often?

Start by noticing and naming the invisible work.

• What are the moments where you’re consciously stepping in to hold the emotional load?

• Are these things you and your co-founder directly discuss? Do you know if they notice it?

• How long do you feel you’ve been playing this role? When did it start, and was there a reason that it started?

This isn’t about keeping score. It’s about making the unseen seen - first for yourself, then in your partnership.

2. Is it expected, or offered?

Sometimes emotional labour is taken on in a relationship because the other person expects it. Other times, we offer it because we’re good at it, or we’ve been conditioned to do it.

Dare I say it… it’s often the latter, then that leads to the other person expecting it, because that’s the way it’s always been.

So ask yourself:

• Do I feel I have a choice in whether I take this on?

• What do I get from holding the emotional load?
  Hard question, but really think… Why do I do this?
  Is it validating a story I tell myself about this partnership, about life, about who I am?

• Am I getting recognition here, or am I quietly building resentment?

• What’s the story I’m telling myself about what will happen if I don’t “keep things okay”?

If this work is invisible to your co-founder, the imbalance will grow - not out of malice, but out of a lack of awareness. Which brings us to...

3. What would it mean to “drop the ball”?

If you stopped managing the emotional tone, what would actually happen? (Like… really)

• Would your co-founder step in?

• Would things feel chaotic?

• Would something important break… or might something important shift?

• Do you actually know the answer to these questions? How much are you assuming here?

Sometimes we carry something so long we forget it’s optional, and ultimately, that we’re choosing to carry it. That we are creating this experience for ourselves. So the only way to change it, is to drop it in some form.

4. What needs to be named?

You don’t need to “prove” the emotional labour. Instead, this is about surfacing the invisible, and discussing your perceptions and experiences.

You might try something like this, in your own words…
“I feel like I put pressure on myself to hold the energy between us and set the tone, and it’s starting to feel like a lot. I’m not really sure how to change it, so I wanted to ask - how do you feel we carry the emotions and energy between us?”

Notice the use of “I” statements. This isn’t about blaming, it’s about explaining your experience and creating a space for reflection and questions. Importantly, LISTEN to them - you might be surprised how it’s perceived through their eyes - and a collaborative approach is where powerful solutions are found.